Who knew that the reality of non-human spirits (not human spirit’s mind you, these never had a human body) was so close? They are all about, held at bay only by our good nature and loving family. Unless, that is, you happen to start playing around with a Ouija board, at which point your are very likely to call down demons (not devils mind you, these are bigger and more stubborn) upon yourself and your family bringing disaster and misfortune till Ed convinces your local priest to show up with a cross and some holy water. Ed also wields holy water, primarily to stop demons (or devils) from manifesting and wreaking havoc and destruction. Ed assures us though, he himself is not a priest, and must import his holy water from only the most pious priests, being that he does not have the credentials (or a hydrometer) to brew up the stuff himself. If you happen to live in a country with a paucity of Christian priests and find shipping cost from America too pricy for your holy water needs, Ed assures us that any holy objects work fine, just the holier the better.

Ed is very ecumenical and accommodating to all religious persuasions in fact, only preferencing priest, crosses, and holy water to anything else because he happens to be Catholic. So if you seem to be suffering an infestation of demons in Asia, just pop over to your local Buddhist temple and find a monk that knows enough about Christian demonology to cook up some ritual for expelling them. If your local holy man refuses to believe that you keep levitating due to some unholy shenanigans of other world spirits with too much free time, and you have a cell phone that can call internationally, there is always Ghost Busters. I don’t know if they charge air fare or not. It may be worth the cost of the plane tickets though to get rid of these pesky buggers, as they seem to have a proclivity for breaking thing you own. On the plus side, if you wanted to cash out your aging furniture, I assume your house insurance should cover this, as it by definition cannot fall under the Act of God clause. But still, you have the inconvenience of your stuff being moved around constantly, and apparently demons don’t even have the courtesy to wait till you are at work. They also apparently like to hammer on stuff. I guess if you don’t have a hammer (or hands), everything still looks like a nail.

If you are thinking that, like bed bugs, moving out is your only hope till you can get the place gassed, like bed bugs, the demons will probably come with you. Don’t try staying at a hotel, as they will hammer on all the neighbor’s doors and walls and get you unceremoniously kicked out for you or your children causing all that ruckus. You should just stay calm and try not to get it in the head when pictures come flying off the wall aimed at your face. Well, that is actually quite an exaggeration! They don’t usually cause physical harm, and really only try to scare you with a picture aimed near your face. They’re not devils after all! (In case they are actually devils, your still probably fine. The only thing you really need to watch out for is getting on the wrong side of possessed dolls. In this case, try opening your coat and making yourself look bigger.)

Lorraine is the second part of the team, not herself taking on agitated spirits armed only with water, but instead she has the gift of clairvoyance. If called in with Ed, she will wander your house poking into rooms and closets while Ed interviews the whole family. She has the ability to smell spirits and can tell what has happened in a room in the past (for you millennials, think ceiling cat, if ceiling can could time travel). She will snoop around in your bedroom till she identifies just the cause of the spirity smell, and then she will come down to announce to the whole family that, yes, it is coming from your bedroom after all. After all, it was you that has been playing with your Ouija board late at night when everyone else was asleep. Now you have no choice but to fess up and admit that it is true, you secretly had a dead boyfriend that would sneak into you room at night and planchette text you love notes. But just like the internet, little did you know it wasn’t really a hot dead guy that could share his feelings, but a 5000 year old demon who still thinks he can possess young girls. And now the demon is obsessed with you and keeps turning on the TV to get your attention. Or the sink. Faucets are like cat nip to demons. They see one, and they just can’t help themselves.